Discipline Diaries (days 4 and 5)

Yay for sunny Saturdays!

Roommate is gone for the weekend, so I slept in, took a walk through Konza Prairie Trail, watched Psych re-runs, and ate pizza for both my meals. I'm living it up for sure.

I would love to write something profound, inspiring, or at the least entertaining here. But I'm all out. I'd like to pretend that I achieve all the goals I set, that I have awesome time with God everyday, and that I live an exciting life 24/7. It's tempting to do that through social media. I don't have to post my low points, I can post all the good stuff and hope that people think I'm cooler because of it. Sadly, it takes some humility for me to even admit that. I was tempted to not post today since I have nothing super positive to share. But I dont want to hide my failures and pretend that I'm always pursuing Christ as I should be. So here's my discipline update.

My goal of discipline has lost its luster. I still think its important and a great goal. And I've kept to some of my specific goals even. But I'm not as passionate for it as I was because in the moment, my desires seem necessary. I tell myself that I could easily drink water over soda today, but I'm just choosing not to. I justify it as a mere choice, rather than a lack of discipline. In reality it's not a big deal. It's not a sin to drink soda, hit the snooze button, or procrastinate. I just don't want the habit of regularly giving into myself. I want to be a self-controlled person. I think that a mindset that can't be disciplined might be sinful.

I see the most sin in my life in this area when I think about how entitled I feel to something as unnecessary as a vanilla latte after a "long" day. It hurts when I think about my attitude and the life I live and compare it to the type of lives other people are living. After the fact, I feel so selfish that I even think the way I do. I see it as a reflection of my self-serving heart. But I'm called to serve others and see them as MORE important than myself. I see my selfishness, then I see my apathy about my selfishness and I'm disappointed. It seems to be an ongoing cycle of guilt and self- gratification.

Still working through it. I need more Holy Spirit. It's crazy how incapable we are when we rely on ourselves.