Until my knees are weak

I read Psalm 109 today. Here are my thoughts.

Appoint a wicked man against him; let an accuser stand at his right hand. When he is tried, let him come forth guilty; let his prayer be counted as sin! -Psalms 109:6, 7

It always throws me when David starts praying for the destruction of his enemies. Is it Godly to pray like that? I don't know for sure. But I noticed a few things that were encouraging and made his prayers seem more legitimate.

I noticed that he is praying for God's justice, not his own vengeance! And that is righteous as far as I know. God says that vengeance is his, not ours. We are called to be loving always. David was loving to his enemies which we see in verse four.

In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. -Psalms 109:4

So he's praying for justice, but he's working hard to be loving to them because that is his responsibility. And it must be hard work! I can't imagine being rewarded evil from the ones I'm showing undeserved kindness to (verse 5).

I also noticed in verse 24 how he prays.

My knees are weak through fasting; my body has become gaunt, with no fat. -Psalms 109:24

This stood out to me since one of my focuses as of late has been prayer. When he prayed, he prayed fervently. He didn't pray like I usually do, which is to throw out my request once, maybe twice, and not anticipate much from God. If my prayer is answered, then that's great! But if not, I don't pray again and I'm not usually very disappointed.

There's something to be said for being content with Gods will when it doesn't match up with mine, but I've been considering if this is the only way to pray. Maybe we should pray until our knees are weak with fasting as if we truly anticipate God to show himself to us.

We should pray for discernment so that our prayers line up with Gods heart and dig I to his word which reveals his heart to us. After that, I'm beginning to think, we need to seriously pray for big things. We need to pray for specific opportunities to share the gospel, to see God work in our days, to learn something new about God, and for God to radically change us into someone who looks more like him. That's how I pray on mission trips, but my life should be one big mission trip if I truly believe what Scripture teaches.

And if you keep reading Psalms, it'll seem like David is always praying for relief from bad guys. They're usually chasing him and trying to kill him, or just mocking him. I wonder why God didn't give him relief after a few prayers. I don't really know. But what I do know is that David kept praying, he kept loving his enemies, and he continued to rejoice in The Lord!

Let them curse, but you will bless! They arise and are put to shame, but your servant will be glad! -Psalms 109:28

He tells The Lord that he will be glad! I love that. I need to be glad when I don't see answered prayer, but I need to keep praying if I think my prayers are in line with Scripture, until my knees are week.

Discipline Diaries (day 2)

Happy Rainy Day!

Left for class this morning oblivious to the fact that it was raining. I rushed back between classes to exchange soaked loafers and wet hair for rain boots and a baseball cap. I realized how quickly I turn my wants into needs. I don't think there's anything sinful about wanting to not get wet between classes, but the amount of importance I put on it is unnatural. I take advantage of the fact that I can wear rain boots, a coat, use an umbrella, and so on.

Eighty percent of the world lives on less than $2 a day! So many people are starving right now, or dying from the heat, or getting rained on at night because they don't have good shelter. Yet I can't walk to class in a light rain because I'm a little uncomfortable. I don't think it's sinful, but I think this kind of thinking can be. It's dangerous to think you deserve to be comfortable all the time. It's dangerous if something as small as a little rain affects my ability to be glad in God always. This kind of thinking is not Christ-like because Jesus came to Earth to live an uncomfortable life leading up to the most painful and humiliating death. All for a people like me who feel entitled to their GIFTS from God, with hearts focused on themselves. It's just mind blowing to me. So that's what I dwelled on this morning as I gratified my desire for rain boots.

Now I just need to understand what to do in response to my self serving heart. Do I sell all that I have and give it to the poor? Probably. But I'm gonna take baby steps because that scares me. Something needs to change, I know that much. So I'm working on discipline to not gratify my wishes and especially not treat them as if they are necessities. I can't wait to see how God makes me less selfish and more giving, for HIS glory.

My little successes in discipline today are as follows.

I was tempted to skip my class after I'd gone back to the dorm for rain boots, but God gave me the discipline to go. Praise the Lord!

I eventually had meaningful time with God! (Took my a little while to sit down and open that life giving book, but I did it! I'll share more about that in my next post.)

I sat in Radinas (without purchasing anything!) and read part of a boring history assignment instead of rushing to lunch. Yay for productivity!

Still rocking basic hygiene.

Also! My dear friend Kaitlyn is joining me in this week of discipline! It's great to have friends who want to give their absolute best to The Lord, who will ask for accountability, and who will encourage me in my endeavors too! So excited for how The Lord will use this for his glory in both of our lives.

Discipline Diaries (day 1 part 2)

{My discipline update for today was getting really long, so I split it into two parts. Here is part two which deals with the details of my day pursuing discipline.}

Last night, I prayed for God to make me disciplined and self controlled. I prayed for success in all my goals for the next day.

This morning, my rommate Sarah left early for class, which never happens. So, I started chopping up strawberries for breakfast and began singing "rise and shine and give God the glory glory" because it came into my head. Even something as small as that was God pushing me to dwell on him this morning. Then as I sat with my breakfast, I began praying aloud to God and asking him to help me again with discipline and also to teach me how to pray expectantly (which I explained in my previous post). I tried to think of something to pray for that was specific and that required God, meaning it couldn't be put aside as a mere coincidence. I struggled because I was afraid to ask for something out of the ordinary. I just felt silly. To be totally honest, I didn't trust that God would answer my prayer. 

By the time I needed to leave for class, I realized that God had actually answered one of my goals for the day. I had honestly had a meaningful time with the Lord. It wasn't long, but there was conviction, there was pleading, and there was answered prayer! Even in my unbelief and distrust, God was so good to me and wanted to show me that he does answer prayer and will satisfy my desire to not only be disciplined, but also to pray expectantly. 

Throughout my day so far I have been disciplined! I went to Radinas and did not purchase anything! I read my history chapter for the first time in months, along with other homework and chores. And you'll be happy to hear that my personal hygiene is great! (I'm even flossing!) I'm enjoying being aware of the big and small areas in my life which lack discipline and slowly having victory over them through Christ. I will try to do a better job of remembering those things tomorrow.

Discipline Diaries (day 1 part 1)

Happy Tuesday!

{My discipline update for today was getting really long, so I split it into two parts. Here is part one which deals with the idea of expectant prayer. Next post will be about how my day of discipline went.}

The idea of praying expectantly came up in my Bible study group last night. This idea has stuck with me since this summer when my friends got back from summer camp after hearing a great speaker teach on this. Wish I could give him credit, but I don't recall his name. In short, he explained that we shouldn't only pray expectantly on mission trips where we expect big things to happen. We need to always trust that the Lord wants to do big things in our lives every day.

One of my leaders added to this idea by reflecting on how we tend to pray safe. By this she meant that we ask God to do something, but we always end by saying something along the lines of, "but if its not your will, that's okay". At first I was slightly bothered by her comment. I thought of course we should pray with phrases like "if it is your will" because we need to be able to accept that his plans may be different than ours but they are always better. As I pondered her comment more, I realized that although it is good to not put your will above Gods, maybe we do pray too safely. Maybe we use that as an excuse to not trust that God will answer our prayers. Along with all these things, we don't pray repetitively. We don't plead with God. At least I don't. I ask for something, close with "Lord willing" and go on with my day thinking sure it'd be cool if he answered my prayer, but no matter what I know he will work things out for my good and his glory. These aren't bad thoughts, but am I limiting God's ability to work wonders in my heart and life? Am I keeping him from answering prayer by failing to truly pray and seek answered prayers?

One more example of radical prayer because these girls are so full of wisdom and I'm dying to share. Someone shared a story about a roommate of hers who had a headache. In response, this woman suggested she take an Advil. But the roommate replied, "I think I'm just gonna pray". The woman thought to herself how silly, just take an Advil! But after consideration, she realized how much trust we put in modern medicine and how little trust we put in God. Seems crazy when you think that God is the creator of everything and is able to do extraordinary things. Yet medicine is prone to fail, especially in comparison to God's perfect record. 

Here's a Biblical example of expectant prayer that my sweet friend Kaitlyn brought up.

And he said, "O  Lord ,  God of my master Abraham,  please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham.  Behold,  I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.  Let the young woman to whom I shall say, "Please let down your jar that I may drink," and who shall say, "Drink, and I will water your camels"—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac.  By this  I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master." (Genesis 24:12-14 ESV)

How much more trust would I need to have in The Lord to pray like this? So specific. So expectant. And if you keep reading you'll see God answered it! I want to have this attitude towards prayer.

Discipline

Hey homies!

In bible study tonight, one of my leaders, Rachel, really inspired me. She starting telling us about how she lacks discipline in her life and how quick she gives way to her desires and treats them as needs. As she spoke I remembered how often I do that. I've noticed this in my life and I've made little efforts to not satisfy my every want. Yet because I so quickly give up on self control, my strides have been mostly unsuccessful. I felt God pushing me to be greater for him, to give him more than a few minutes of resistance. I want to give him my all and be disciplined in every area of my life.

I'm also hoping that through being disciplined in my spending, God will use my extra money to bless others and bring glory to himself. I'm starting small because I am easily overwhelmed and surprise surprise... I tend to give up. I'll be praying for self control, true perspective, and opportunities to grow myself and others through this experience.

This week, my goals as of now are along the lines of...

     No spending money on coffee specifically, but also not on unnecessary treats and snacks

     To have meaningful time with God daily

     To stick to my intended plans for school work

     Washing my face twice a day, taking contacts out at night, etc.

{I feel like I'm 5 years old listing basic hygiene things, but it can be a struggle, especially once you're curled up under the covers and you remember you forgot to do something. Oh the discipline that takes to get me out of bed!}

Along with those listed above, I plan to be aware of when I'm turning wants into needs and to use discipline when I know I need it, even when it's not one of the things listed. I'll try to post updates in my week of discipline.

Study Break

This was greatly needed before my long night of studying. This song gets me so excited about the God I have an opportunity to glorify. I belong to Jesus! My strength comes from knowing him. I can't wait to see him face to face. Until then, I'll be striving (and often failing, then striving again) to live out a life fully devoted to him, that loves what he loves, and hates what he hates. All in his strength. May he receive all the glory!

You are my Passion by Jesus Culture. Check. It. Out. Here.

All the Poor and Powerless

I'm trying to post a verse very Wednesday and share my thoughts on it. My week has been crazy busy with tests, papers, homework, and quizzes. So, here it is one day late! 

Over the last few weeks, The Lord has been convicting me about how little I consider the poor. It started with a discussion in my philosophy class about what we are obligated to do for the poor. Here is the augment that sparked the discussion.

1) Suffering and death from lack of food, shelter, and medical care are bad.
2) If it is in our power to prevent something bad from happening, without sacrificing anything of comparable moral significance, we ought, morally, to do it.
3) It is in our power to prevent suffering and death from lack of food, shelter, and medical care, without sacrificing anything of comparable moral significance.
4) Therefore, we ought, morally, to prevent suffering and death from lack of food, shelter, and medical care.

To explain the argument, he used an example of a man walking by a pond. The man looks to his right and sees a young boy drowning. Would it be wrong for the man to not help the drowning boy? We thought yes. It is in his power to save the boy without sacrificing much. By not saving the boy, he could keep his pants from getting wet. But is that a worthy reason? Of course not. It would be wrong of him to walk by and pay no attention as the young boy dies.

So, what's our excuse for not helping the hungry, naked, sick, and homeless? We know they are there. what would we be giving up to help them? Here are a few of the oppositions to the argument that continued to convict me.

Some have brought up that it is different if the hurting are across the world in Africa. How can we be expected to do anything for them without sacrificing ourselves? This argument is unrealistic because of technology. With technology we can help others no matter how far they may be. 

Others have said that no one else is helping, so why should we be morally obligated when other people, more capable people even, could help but don't? Lets consider the drowning boy case, would it be okay for the man to not save the boy if there was a crowd of people also watching the boy drown. No, so other people don't change your obligation to help. 

This discussion took a few days, so this is just the best summary I can give. But either way, it kicked my butt. I've always heard in church how we should help others and care for the poor and less fortunate. I had always perceived that duty as something extra. I wasn't obligated to help the poor, but it would be very kind of me to do so. But sitting in philosophy class, listening to a professor and students who don't love Jesus talk about how we are obligated to give up everything that we don't actually NEED to help others no matter the distance, no matter what others are doing to help, and no matter your financial standing. I was shocked at how selfish I am. As a follower of Christ, I should be sacrificing myself for others daily like Jesus did. But there I sat in philosophy class trying to think of an excuse that would get me out of this moral obligation. 

Then he showed a clip from the movie Beyond Borders with Angelina Jolie. I was appalled. I sat there and pointed my fingers at the rich people in that movie and asked myself, how could someone know there is hurting and hunger in the world and do nothing? Then I realized that the rich people in that movie represent me in real life. I am fully aware of needs in many areas both local and global. Yet I spend money on food I don't finish, clothes I don't need and sometimes never even wear. In comparison to the needs in the world, I have no generosity in my body. It hurt because I wasn't realizing this for the first time. I'd seen it before. I've cried over my lack of generosity and I've cried and prayed over the poor in our world. It's only a matter of time before I forget and believe once again that I will be discontent without that $50 dress that I don't need. I feel entitled to what I have when what I have is not even mine and it is certainly not for making myself look great. I have money for the sole purpose of bringing glory to God. 

Unfortunately as we switched topics in philosophy I began the process again. I put my conviction behind me and went on spending money on myself. But thank the Holy Spirit for his persistence in showing me a better way.

Three nights ago, at Bible study we read chapter 3 in the book Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. The chapter was on greed. It talks about how greed is so discreet and we don't see it in ourselves. I won't go into all the details, but it was a lovely time of fellowship and I knew I needed to be more generous and needed a new mindset toward money. I asked the girls to pray that I would be a generous person and that I would think of my money as a way to further Gods kingdom. That I would not only let go of the tight grip I have on my money and possessions, but that I would be bold in sharing the gospel. 

I left feeling encouraged and hopeful for how God would mold my heart and use me to make others glad in God. But God wanted me to fully understand how much I had in comparison to others and how I have no reason to ever be discontent with what He's given me. In my sociology class yesterday morning, he showed me that I have every reason in the world to be generous. We discussed how the US citizen compares to citizens in other parts of the world in terms of income and wealth. We went over a lot of charts and numbers but here's one that stuck with me. The average income for a US citizen is $50,000. The average income for someone in the Congo is $347 a year! That's the lowest, but there were so many other countries with low average incomes. The US is the seventh richest nation in terms of how much income an average American makes.

On a global scale, 80% of people live on less than $2 a day! Yet I compare myself to the people around me and have the nerve to feel inadequate. I feel like I have it so rough. But God is opening my eyes to how rich I am and hopefully will be giving me opportunities to give back. 

So yesterday I decided to see what the Bible says about the poor. And I found this verse! 

"She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." -Proverbs 31:20

I love this verse because I want to be her. I want to not feel entitled to anything. I want to be generous with money and possessions. I want to love serving others above myself. And I want to be content in all circumstance, not comparing myself to anyone.